“Say what you mean and mean what you say.”

Preface: I am not an expert in this department. That being said, I am able to take all of my children and my grandson (at the same time) out in public for longer than 5 minutes. In addition, I even receive compliments on their behavior. This means out to eat (in a restaurant that does NOT have a dollar menu, grocery shopping (yep – even to Publix, where my 4-year-old walks next to the cart and my 2-year-old holds my hand across the parking lot), to a Super Walmart, and even to a public beach for longer than 2 hours.

Now, I may hold my breath the entire time and say silent prayers that the wild and crazy boys that were chasing each other in my house 30 seconds before we got into the car do not reappear while we are in the cereal aisle and I might say a gazillion silent (because I’m still holding my breath) prayers that the high-pitched screeching that made its way out of my toddlers’ (yes, plural) throats on the way to the car does not show its ugly head while ordering the appetizers, but by the time its said and done, I’m driving home, with car full of kids and take home boxes/groceries/home goods/sea shells…smiling…and breathing!

“Say what you mean and mean what you say!” To me, this means that all good choices get rewards and all bad choices get consequences. This does not translate to material bribes vs. spankings. This means that if the kids do what I have asked, they get to enjoy the outing. If not, “I swear if you do that one more time I will turn the car around” becomes a grave reality. I am that parent that will promise that if they do not get that ‘C’ to a ‘B’ by the time the party comes, they are not going to the party. When I check the online grades, and I still see a ‘C’, my child is sitting at home looking at pictures of their friends at the trampoline park. I am the parent that when I have asked repeatedly for a chore to get done and it’s forgotten, coincidentally forgets that we were supposed to go shopping for a new dress for the school dance. I am the parent that says what I mean and means what I say.

Here’s how this works – When my 24-year-old was 6 months old, I attended a 6 week parenting class. I remembered 2 things from that class. First, the 1-2-3 rule. Second, when you make a threat to punish a child, it better become a promise. Why? Because the second, and I mean the instant, you do not follow through on that threat, you have lost all validity in the eyes of that sweet, little, chunky-cheeked 2-year-old. Getting trust back from a 2-year-old is easy. But an 11/12/15-year-old? Good luck. You see, kids are smart. Real smart. And everyone knows that if you threaten that Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy/etc isn’t coming, no matter what, Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy/etc always shows up. And if you’ve threatened they weren’t coming enough times to make you feel guilty, not only do they show up, but they bring a plethora of gifts. However, if you think for a split second before the threat makes its way out of your mouth, even if you have to hesitate and correct the word vomit that began to fall, and ask yourself, “Am I really going to go through with this?” (because we all know they are going to test the limits on this), your threats now have the ability to become a promise. Say what you mean.

Start small – do not start with the threat of not letting them go to their best friend’s birthday party. If you haven’t shown them yet that you mean business, they are going to do whatever it was you asked them not to do. This then leads to guilt and remorse for you, not them. You will feel guilty because 1 – they are sitting at home during their best friend’s birthday party, or 2 – you let them go because it was their best friend and you feel guilty because you went back on your threat yet again. Threaten them with no dessert for a week and let them go to the party…this time.

Here’s a starter example – It’s Monday and your 11-your-old really wants to go to the store to pick out new Pokemon cards. You tell him if he cleans his room, you will take him on Friday after work. He asks and asks and asks each day for you not to forget to take him and you ask and ask and ask for him not to forget to clean up his room. Friday comes, you walk in the door from work and you hear, “Hey mom, can we go now? I just put my shoes on.” You don’t say a word, you go straight to his room, and lo and behold, the room looks the same, if not worse than it did on Monday. You tell him, “I’m sorry. We are not going.” And here comes the foot stomping, arm throwing, whiny “Buttttttttt Mooooooooooooommmmmmmm’s” for a whole hour. You will probably even get some tears and you will definitely get promises to do it when you guys get home from the store along with promises to clean up the younger one’s toys for a week AND do the laundry. DON’T FOLD! THIS IS A TEST! Go in your room, go cook dinner, put on your headphones, go out side and call a friend, turn the music up REAL loud so you can’t hear him – but for the love of God, do not give in. By the time you wake up Saturday morning, the room will be spotless and then you both can enjoy the trip to the store. Even better, the next time this scenario plays out, you will open the door to his room on Friday after work and it will glisten, therefore avoiding all the above mentioned theatrics.

Now that you’ve experienced this small victory, you’re ready to step it up. You plan a nice day at the beach. It’s the first week of Spring and the weather is perfect. You went to the Dollar Tree, loaded up on brand new beach toys and filled the cooler with snacks. The car is packed, bathing suits are on and sunscreen has been lathered by the gallon. On the way to the beach, you remind them that if they do not listen, if they wander off, if they don’t get out of the water when you tell them, if they fight over the gazillion shovels you bought, if, if, if…you will pack everything up and you will go home. 30 minutes after you park and pay the meter for your 3 hour stay, the kids are playing and you have just sat in your brand new beach chair. The older kids are digging a hole they swear will be recorded in Giunness Books. They start fighting about the shovels. You give one warning. 10 minutes later, you hear screaming and a shovel is thrown. You immediately get up, start packing, and tell them whatever they carried to the beach, they must carry back or it stays. They look confused. You keep packing. You gather up the babies and start walking, telling them they have 5 seconds to follow you. Oh sure, they will be furious all the way to the car. They won’t say a word, except for the occasional “it’s not fair” bit and probably won’t talk to you until dinner time. But guaranteed, the next time you go to the beach, you will get to enjoy every minute of those 3 hours – peacefully. Mean what you say.

Be consistent and stay committed- if you stick to your word the first time you test this Golden Rule and then give in to the crying and the the tantrums the next time because you’re too tired, or too stressed, or you’re on the phone, or the baby is crying, or because you forgot what you had said in the first place, it’s just as bad as not following through at all. A child will test you and test you and test you, on purpose, to see if you really and truly mean what you say. They will try every little manipulation and variation and twist and turn of their words to get you to cave. Consistency is key and believe it or not, children thrive when there is consistency and routine with what a parent says and does. Mean what you say.

Be exact with what you say – If I ask my son to take the garbage out to the cans, he will take the garbage out to the cans. If I go out the next morning and see that the garbage cans are still next to the house and it’s garbage day, I cannot get mad at him for not remembering it was garbage day and forgetting to bring the garbage cans down to the street. Why? Because I never asked him to bring the garbage cans down to the street. I asked him to take the garbage out to the cans. Yes, I know. He’s 9 and it’s been the same garbage days every week for the past 2 years since he started that chore. But, he’s a child and children do not think the way an adult does – especially when it comes to chores. Say what you mean.

At the end of the day, there is still chaos getting the children ready to go somewhere. There is still fighting and procrastinating and forgetting the diaper bag or the sippy cup. (We NEVER forget the paci – IJS.) But once we are in the car and driving toward our fun-filled destination, excitement sets in and there is peace in the world once again, making the 20 minutes before we left seem like an episode from the Twilight Zone . (“How to get 6 people out the door in 20 minutes or less” will be one of the next blogs) The drive home – priceless.